Our First Edition: Dolphins S*** The Bed

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A little rough, a little crude, and a whole lot of sweat - this is Allapattah: a newsletter focused solely on the Sunshine State.

We named this wonky Everglades adventure ride after the Seminole word for Alligator. Our mission is to deliver you a weekly update on everything Florida - news, sports, crime, and gas prices (of course).

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We have a few questions for the Dolphins following their opening week performance last Sunday. We know the Jags and Bucs had some issues on the field too, but nothing close to the bed s****ting we witnessed in Indianapolis.

Why was MIA, M-I-A in Indianapolis? Tua…Washed? Mike McDaniel…lost? Tyreek Hill…looking for a way out?

Miami’s defense let a has been quarterback, Daniel Jones, produce QB1 stats during the posterior pummeling they were dished by the Colts.

Is Tua suffering from CTESPN? With 3 turnovers (2 interceptions and 1 fumble for loss), 3 sacks for 13 yards and only 114 yards passing, Tua gave the Miami Dolphins fanbase about as much to look forward to as Bethune-Cookman did against the Hurricanes.

Head coach Mike McDaniel made absolutely ZERO 2nd half changes and let the Colts (projected 4-13 record in 2025 btw) MOLLY WOP the Dolphins in every facet of the game. By the way it stands, McDaniel might be on his way back to San Francisco as another failed head coach from the Shanahan tree (Robert Saleh fired for allowing Aaron “Ayeauscha” Rodgers in the Jets building).

Meanwhile, Tyreek Hill spent more time bitching on the bench than helping his team amount any sort of a comeback, which is probably why he lost his captaincy.

If this sort of play continues in Miami, the Dolphins fan base might as well start preparing for another 5-10 year rebuild.

Kyle’s Take:

The Dolphins lost key major pieces to their team in the offseason, including Jalen Ramsey (Steelers), Jevon Holland (Giants), and Jonnu Smith (Steelers). This left the team searching for answers at critical positions. Since 2022, when Mike McDaniel became head coach, the team has slowly lost respect for the “offensive genius”. Tua could not put together one coherent drive. Miami’s defense allowed Daniel Jones to set an NFL record, leading the Colts to score in all seven drives they had in the game. The Dolphins have 6 days of soul searching to do before the Patriots come to town, and at this point, Miami Northwest High School would be more entertaining than what we witnessed this past Sunday.  

John’s Take:

Mike McDaniel will get fired because he makes Brian Daboll look like Malcolm X.

Try to make it your life goal not ending up on our Florida Man Award section.

This week’s award goes to the Big Dawg Fort Lauderdale attorney who got caught trying to smuggle cocaine-laced papers into a Belle Glade detention center.

According to reports, police found 37 sheets of paper disguised as legal documents on the man when he entered the jail to visit a client. Police say the papers had a suspicious translucent substance on the surface. Forensic testing later found over 136 grams of cocaine doused across the papers. The attorney was eventually arrested and recently sentenced to 364 days in jail.

Florida has launched its first ever hunting, fishing, and camping sales tax holiday, running from September 8th to December 31st.

New boot goofin’ Gov. Ron DeSantis made the announcement alongside several other sportsman and outdoorsman initiatives designed to ‘save Floridians money.’

Dubbed The Second Amendment Sales Tax Holiday, the initiative will suspend tax collection on a number of items used for hunting, fishing, or camping. Items include:

Florida economists project the holiday will save shoppers $44.8 million this year. It may also reduce state revenue by $34.6 million and local revenue by $10.2 million.

Florida’s Surgeon General announced plans to abolish all state vaccine mandates for schoolchildren. Gov. DeSantis supports the move, which would make our state the first in the country to do so.

Breakfast might be in trouble.

Recent data has shown prices on some grocery staples continue to climb. From August 2024 to August 2025, there was a 22% spike in the price for whole-bean coffee. Organic eggs increased by 20% and bacon by 9%.

An 8‑year‑old boy suffered a shark bite while snorkeling near Key Largo on September 1st. The child is now recovering and is reportedly in good spirits. Shout-out to his brave 10‑year‑old sister, who applied a tourniquet and kept her brother stable until help arrived.

USF went into The Swamp and completed a second half comeback against the Florida Gators last week. USF is now 2-0 on the season and UF dropped to 1-1. USF travels to Miami to play the Hurricanes. The winner will remain undefeated in the 2025 campaign.