Florida: Come for the Beaches, Stay for the Coups

Welcome to Allapattah

Chuck E. Cheese was arrested in Tallahassee. Iran’s (alleged) former chief torturer has been hiding quietly here. And a Florida man was arrested and sentenced to life in prison for trying to stage a coup. Just another week in Florida.

Oh, and meteorologists are watching two systems gaining strength in the Atlantic. No immediate threat to Florida…yet.

Fall is in the air 🍂

Gas prices are on the rise. The average price for a gallon of gas across Florida has risen over $0.15 since last week.

Check in every week to see the average gas prices in your area.

Craig Lang, 35, has officially raised the bar on Florida insanity.

Forget gators in swimming pools…this guy went for Olympic gold in bad life choices: fighting Russians in Ukraine, plotting a coup in Venezuela, and oh yeah, murdering a Florida couple during a fake gun sale. Think Jason Bourne, if Jason Bourne were terrible at planning, didn’t understand Armslist etiquette, and wound up convicted in Fort Myers.

Lang’s resume reads like a cautionary tale, rife with military tours, divorce, dishonorable discharge, and a one-way ticket to Ukraine to hang out with extremists. By 2015, he joined the far-right Right Sector, co-founding “Task Force Pluto”, a name better suited for a Saturday morning cartoon than a paramilitary clique. Imagine Call of Duty, but instead of respawning, you get FBI investigations and extradition warrants.

In 2018, Lang and fellow ex-soldier Alex Zwiefelhofer cooked up a plan to topple Nicolás Maduro. Funding? A fake gun ad, an ambush, and 50 bullets fired into Serafin and Deana Lorenzo for $3,000 cash. Spoiler: that doesn’t buy a coup.

Lang hid in Ukraine for years, even dragging his case to the European Court of Human Rights. But in 2024, Ukrainian special forces handed him over. Last week, a Fort Myers jury convicted him on six counts, including murder and violating the Neutrality Act, which is a law against freelance coups.

He now faces life in prison, securing his spot as the “Global Florida Man”, an award only he owns. Bath salts? Amateur hour. Lang tried regime change with pocket change.

Tourism slogan? “Come for the beaches, stay for the coups.”

At least that’s what Tallahassee police thought when they arrested Chuck E. Cheese earlier this year. Police bodycam footage shows the exchange as officers enter an arcade and arrested a man dressed as the beloved child’s entertainment mascot. He was then escorted out of the building while still in character. A concerned mother could be heard yelling “Would y’all put handcuffs on Mickey Mouse?” 

Allegedly, the man stole a customer's debit card and later used it at a smoke shop and grocery store. When searched by police, the customer’s card was found in his pocket. Not a great look, Chuck.

Nothing ushers in a Florida fall quite like an NOAA update. Meteorologists at the National Hurricane Center are keeping their eyes on two systems heating up in the Atlantic. Don’t get out the shutters just yet! These storms have not been designated as threats to Florida…yet.

Florida has met all federal air quality standards for the fifth consecutive year, according to The Florida Department of Environmental Protection (DEP). The Department says Florida’s industrial emissions have declined 78% since 2000. The most widespread air pollutant, ozone, has also fallen by nearly half over the past twenty years.

The Hurricanes dominated USF in all facets, winning 49 to 12. South Florida was bull-legged from the get go, and couldn’t stand Miami’s offensive juggernaut of Carson Beck (QB, 23/28, 340 yards, 3 TD, 2 INT) and Mark Fletcher Jr. (RB, 120 yards,  2 TD.) Miami continues its brilliance on defense as the team jumps to 3-0 on the season, while USF falls to 2-1.

Kyle’s Take: After a horrible Week 1 against the Colts, the Dolphins choked away a victory against the New England Patriots. While Tua had a good game (312 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT) and De’Von Achane played lights out, late game mistakes led them to losing 33-27. The leash is beginning to shorten for McDaniel and Grier as the losing continues.

John’s Take: “Uhm, we’re, to win games you have to win the game, umm, not lose the game… honestly. And that, that is how you lose the game.” McDaniel actually said this, can you believe? This is the anti-Herm Edwards equivalent of “YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!” And that’s not a good thing. If McDaniel is still coaching the Miami Dolphins after the eventual Bills loss on primetime next Sunday night, Pablo Torre should take his recently impressive investigative skills to South Beach (technically Miami Gardens) to figure out what’s really going on.

Parviz Sabeti, the 89-year-old alleged “chief torturer” and Head of Secret Police for the former Shah of Iran’s pre-revolutionary government, is being sued in a U.S. federal court in Florida.

Three Iranian men, now aged between 68 and 85, say they were political prisoners, and are filing civil claims under Florida’s Torture Victim Protection Act (TVPA). They allege that under Sabeti’s control, they were subjected to brutal mistreatment, including rape, electric shocks, near-drownings, and forced nail extraction.

Sabeti, who has lived in Florida since 1978 under the name “Peter” Sabeti, has built a relatively quiet life. He has denied involvement, asserting he “always opposed torture.” His lawyers sought dismissal of the lawsuit, claiming it was time-barred. However, a district-court judge refused to dismiss the TVPA claim. Pending discovery into whether the statute of limitations should apply, the case is currently on track to move forward.

The plaintiffs are seeking $225M in damages through the civil lawsuit.

This is a tale of two princes who were promised. One prince fell on his own sword, while the other became a swashbuckling warrior who slices and slashes with his sword.

The tale ends in Tampa Bay, with the Buccaneers being the hottest team in Florida to start the 2025-26 NFL season. They are currently 2-0 and look primed for a playoff push this upcoming January. It is mostly thanks to the prince who learned to use his sword every Sunday.

Before Tampa, there was Cleveland, where this story begins. In the 2014 NFL Draft, the Browns selected Johnny Manziel with the 22nd overall pick, making him Cleveland’s first promised prince. Browns faithful hoped that he would be the quarterback that would stop the never-ending carousel of field generals that made their way to Cleveland, Ohio. Hindsight has shown that Johnny was just another statistic, not the savior of Browns football. He became the prince that fell on his sword.

Four years later, the 2018 NFL draft gifted Cleveland another hope: Oklahoma quarterback, Baker Mayfield, with the first overall pick. His career started fairly well as a Brown, but the front office thought otherwise. By 2021, Baker Mayfield was tossed and replaced by…Deshaun Watson…

Hindsight has shown that…Deshaun Watson…was himself just another Browns QB statistic, and a supremely controversial one at that.

Before Baker Mayfield became the Buccaneer Prince, he had to be forged in fire. His NFL career renaissance is second to none. He shifted from number one overall pick, to presumed bust, to journeyman, and now the best QB in Florida and the best QB in his team’s division.

Baker had short stints in Carolina and  Los Angeles, but found his true kingdom in Tampa, passing touchdowns to (in an ironic twist of fate) Mike Evans. For those who remember, he was the top target at Texas A&M for—you guessed it, Johnny Football.

The similarities of these princes don’t end there: Baker and Johnny are/were diminutive QB’s that could run the ball if needed, and have/had strong, clutch arms. Where their similarities end is what defined their trajectories: grit. Baker has it in spades, and Johnny had it in spurts. This is not to lessen Johnny’s accomplishments in college. He was Johnny Football and not just Johnny Manziel for a reason. But their stories together tell one story: it’s not what your name is, it’s what you’re made of. And that is what makes a prince keep his promise.